August 24, 2011

New Perspective

I, Dear Readers, have decided not to rail on anymore about my problems. I have made a decision to only write and try to think about what happens in my life that is positive for at least the next 2 or 3 months. So if there are not many posts in that time you will understand. I don't have anything to write about! Honestly though; I believe that should make my perspective sunnier. I know that I can't go into winter with this frame of mind or it just may turn into a very long, cold, depressing time.

So, in this happier frame of mind; I tell you that my friend in New York has said she has sent some more boxes of my possessions. My little dog Dylan continually is a source of fun and joy to me. I have a few new friends here along with the couple I have known for more years than any of us care to admit. I often have very int
riguing and interesting conversations with these people and that is what I missed when I have been alone. I have enjoyed arranging my lovely buttercup yellow (yech) room quite nicely; although there is more to do to make it even more comfortable and homey. That is all good and positive!

I am going to a barbecue with my friend Ardelle on the weekend; which should be fun. We also intend to go to a backyard picnic after the Sunday service. I am enjoying church again every week and going to another kind of meeting semi-regularly. I am getting more work on the net daily. My spirit is getting lighter by the hour since I made my decision. Never know; I just may be dancing a jig soon.

Note: Got my 5th box from New York on Friday; but still waiting on the 4th. Glad to see the 6th box turn up Monday/today! Looking forward to the 7th box with all my cds and dvds that she said she would send. However I am still waiting on the 4th box.

August 20, 2011


Not by ghosts or spirits, but memories that are sometimes hard to take and sometimes welcome for a while. Still trying to get over the horrible nightmares that come with loss of any kind. But it will take time, patience and prayer.

I just wonder why I let people push me around sometimes. I think it is in my nature to try to make peace with people and to always think of how that other person must feel. The trouble with that way of thinking is I quite often end up getting burnt in some

Since 2001, I have lost nine people close to me; including my Mom, Brother, Husband and Roommate and Friend. Quite a few of those close to me have terminal illness or conditions, and it is a matter of time before they are gone. I wonder why God doesn't prepare us for this earlier in life so it isn't so devastating every time it happens. The loss of the ones I love is the hardest part of my life to accept.

But almost as hard is the loss of home and possessions. I wonder why people, when they are involved in dealing with others don't think in terms of 'how would I feel if this happened to me?' or more towards the idea of 'treating others as they would like to be treated'. If we are put in a position to view someone as a friend or acquaintance one minute and a stranger the next; it is a wonder that we aren't all grasping, money grubbing and mean by nature.

We never get over the loss of someone we love or anything for that matter; but we can learn to live with it hopefully and not let it haunt us.

Note: Please leave your opinions on this subject or any other of my blogs in comments below each posting.

August 4, 2011

Just Let Me Get Through This!

Well folks I am here and I am still standing. I do want to begin to live life to the fullest once more. It will be and is different than before I met Dennis or Tommy. I pray I can get back to feeling like my old self again. After all that has and hasn't happened; it is going to be very hard to get back to 'normal'. It was a temporal and a financial impossibility for me to move all my things back here to Canada. As a result I have very few of my possessions left.

The one thing that would make life easier on me here, would be having a car. Unfortunately, buying a car is out of the question; much too expensive. Things would go better if I had my own transportation. I could go and get my health insurance, social insurance and Ontario drivers' license set up. Nothing is central here; that is to say the health is in one place, then 10 miles up the road is the social insurance, and the license is somewhere else.

I have had a lot of nightmares about the sad, horrible way, my late partner Dennis died. I am kind of hurt that I was not able to say goodbye to him properly. He did not have a real funeral or memorial service to my knowledge while I was there - ten days after his death. I have woken up in a cold sweat, a lot of nights lately. I find myself very angry at a lot of people for the course of events after his death. E
veryone seemed to think a person my age, should be able to somehow read minds. That I should be able to 'get on with it' better than those who had been with their loved one for a longer period of time. Truth is that Dennis and I knew each other for over 6 years before we got together.

Then; if I am lucky enough to fall back to sleep, I end up dreaming about my late husband Tommy and his last days on this earth. The fact that I was not able to bring a lot of the many things that were given to me by my parents, siblings, children, Tommy and Dennis; is very hard to take.

Thank God; one kind person who was close to Dennis, has promised to send a few of my possessions to me. Of course I am paying the postage for the boxes; as I should.

Modern life is obviously not built to accommodate death, widows, or other loved ones. When someone dies, the consensus seems to be that the person's death is an outright inconvenience. That anyone really close to them must be 'dealt with' rather than comforted.
Kind of makes me wonder about the 'human condition' or is that the 'condition of humans'?

I really don't know how the God of my understanding is using this mess to teach me; but I wish he would get on with it. This situation has been going on since I got here on May 25th; but more so since around June 13th. I thought these were supposed to be our golden years; when my partner and I would live out our lives in relative comfort. Makes you kinda wonder what on earth all the struggles throughout life were all about.

Ah well. I will have 'it' back together soon. It is that, just for the moment I have forgotten where I put 'it'.

Note: I got 3 boxes from New York. Hope to receive at least 4 or more.