August 4, 2011

Just Let Me Get Through This!

Well folks I am here and I am still standing. I do want to begin to live life to the fullest once more. It will be and is different than before I met Dennis or Tommy. I pray I can get back to feeling like my old self again. After all that has and hasn't happened; it is going to be very hard to get back to 'normal'. It was a temporal and a financial impossibility for me to move all my things back here to Canada. As a result I have very few of my possessions left.

The one thing that would make life easier on me here, would be having a car. Unfortunately, buying a car is out of the question; much too expensive. Things would go better if I had my own transportation. I could go and get my health insurance, social insurance and Ontario drivers' license set up. Nothing is central here; that is to say the health is in one place, then 10 miles up the road is the social insurance, and the license is somewhere else.

I have had a lot of nightmares about the sad, horrible way, my late partner Dennis died. I am kind of hurt that I was not able to say goodbye to him properly. He did not have a real funeral or memorial service to my knowledge while I was there - ten days after his death. I have woken up in a cold sweat, a lot of nights lately. I find myself very angry at a lot of people for the course of events after his death. E
veryone seemed to think a person my age, should be able to somehow read minds. That I should be able to 'get on with it' better than those who had been with their loved one for a longer period of time. Truth is that Dennis and I knew each other for over 6 years before we got together.

Then; if I am lucky enough to fall back to sleep, I end up dreaming about my late husband Tommy and his last days on this earth. The fact that I was not able to bring a lot of the many things that were given to me by my parents, siblings, children, Tommy and Dennis; is very hard to take.

Thank God; one kind person who was close to Dennis, has promised to send a few of my possessions to me. Of course I am paying the postage for the boxes; as I should.

Modern life is obviously not built to accommodate death, widows, or other loved ones. When someone dies, the consensus seems to be that the person's death is an outright inconvenience. That anyone really close to them must be 'dealt with' rather than comforted.
Kind of makes me wonder about the 'human condition' or is that the 'condition of humans'?

I really don't know how the God of my understanding is using this mess to teach me; but I wish he would get on with it. This situation has been going on since I got here on May 25th; but more so since around June 13th. I thought these were supposed to be our golden years; when my partner and I would live out our lives in relative comfort. Makes you kinda wonder what on earth all the struggles throughout life were all about.

Ah well. I will have 'it' back together soon. It is that, just for the moment I have forgotten where I put 'it'.

Note: I got 3 boxes from New York. Hope to receive at least 4 or more.